30 August 2008

My Campaign for President - Rated R, for gratuitous innuendo, lies, and crude references

OK, now that we know that just about anyone, from anywhere, just so they were born in the U.S. and are at least 35 years of age is seriously considered presidential material, I Am In!

After conferring with my circle of advisers, and One-Eye Louise down at Homer's Blue Dell Family Buffet and Taproom, and some of the guys over at Sam the Lion's Pool Hall, I've decided to run for president. Yes, of the whole damned U.S. of A!


Even though I ain't never been the mayor of an Alaskan Village, sold nothing, let alone an airplane, on eBay, or slept with a commercial fisherman, I still think I've got what it takes. And, if this counts, even though I haven't been in no beauty contest, I have been the celebrity judge of at least six. That alone should be sufficient, but here's the rest.

I've had a ton of experience in foreign affairs, having gotten shagged in places like Hong Kong, Yokohama, Rangoon, Manila, Tijuana, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Taipei, London, Dublin, Brussels, Cologne, Copenhagen, Bonn, and under an olive tree in Lebanon, and on a camel blanket, in a desert wadi during a sand storm, just a tad west of Damascus. And did some furious petting with a Latvian lady on a train from Luxembourg to Amsterdam. That thing at the Wailing Wall was not me!

I've had a lot of experience in domestic affairs too, but we ain't discussing them since some of the ladies have husbands now. Some of whom have very short little fuses (ahem), lots of insecurities and NRA memberships.

I'm good at national security issues too. If they can't pay the tribute, we'll invade them. Then we'll occupy them until they beg us to leave.

Oh, yeah, and I ain't perfect and have got all sorts of humble, humanizing man-of-the-people beginnings. For example, I have a lot of remorse about the time I stole a yo-yo at Kresge's and a kindly African-American janitor took me under his wing, and made me own up to what I'd done--when I got out of reform school, where I saved a crippled, blind, paraplegic inmate from drowning, he taught me how to sing the blues, tap dance, and polish the brass doorknobs till you could see yourself in them. His family and mine still, after all these years, gather together on Juneteenth, to Bar-B-Que and sing slave spirituals.

I have masterful bipartisan skills too. I grabs the opposition by their parts then they come along real nice like. Sort of like a formula: By-Parts-Then.

I got me some accomplishments too. I got two certificates from Fred Pryor Seminars, my first communion photo, and a framed perfect attendance certificate from that online correspondence course I took, and I ain't been in jail or bounced a check since I got off the cocaine--my parole officer can certify that if you don't believe me.

My neighbors speak well of me, and will until I release their daughters from my locked basement.

And I always stay married to the same woman, this time it's already lasted more than eight months.

Right now, I'm riding a wave of popular acclaim, as can be seen in this news report from Channel 3..obviously, I've got the "tramp-stamp" babe vote. You'll see what I mean when you click this news report about my campaign.

No comments: